


It's a Disorder. Not a Decision.

by mylifeismediocre



Category: Emmerdale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 21:43:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14317767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mylifeismediocre/pseuds/mylifeismediocre
Summary: Liv struggles with an eating disorder.





	It's a Disorder. Not a Decision.

Liv knew she was self-destructing. She knew she was reckless, careless, thoughtless, feeling nothing but hurt in her heart, suffocated by her lungs, the pressure of her thoughts, of the expectations she had to live up to, the pain in the lack of love around her. She knew she was selfish for being jealous of a baby, but she couldn’t help but feel left out, isolated even, when she wasn’t invited places, finding out her family had spent the day together not thinking she’d like to tag along. She was used to feeling unloved, unwanted, but when she had finally settled in with Aaron and Robert, she felt like she had a family, a sense of belonging, finding hope for the first time in her life.

But now, she found herself back in the darkest depths of mind.

Liv got used to being home alone, forced to look after herself again. Cooking, cleaning, heading down to the shop when they had nothing in the house. She was too scared to voice her feelings, afraid she would come across as attention seeking, wondering if that was the truth. Maybe she had become a spoilt brat. Maybe she was bitter. So she kept herself to herself, focusing on keeping Aaron and Robert happy, hoping they’d love her again.

It started a night she’d come home a little late, popping into town after school to pick up some more paint; for her final project in art. Swinging the front door open, she was greeted with the smell of her favourite meal cooking in the oven, lasagne. She couldn’t help the tingle of excitement in her stomach, aching to sit down at the table, like a proper little family, and eat the dinner Robert had cooked. Pushing her trainers aside, she headed towards the kitchen, face dropping at the sight before her.

They had already sat down and eaten it, Aaron and Robert letting theirs go down, fussing over Seb in the highchair. They smiled at the sight of her, apologising for thinking she had grabbed something in town, a flash of guilt across their faces, watching her shrug and claim that she ‘wasn’t hungry anyway’. She grabbed her bag off the floor, from where she had dropped it as she entered the mill, and headed upstairs to her bedroom. Pushing the door closed behind her, and locking it, she slid down it, head in the hands she had rested against her thighs, curling in on herself as she cried, a pang of heartbreak over the fact that she had been left out again. And she knew it was only dinner, but it still hurt like hell.

She got undressed out of her uniform, putting some of her comfier clothes on before sliding under the duvet, pulling open her laptop where she pressed play on another Netflix series she didn’t particularly care for, sobbing silently to herself, eventually until she fell asleep.

And slowly, and slowly, Liv stopped eating, stopped feeling hungry, stopped caring, wondering if it was her appearance that drove Aaron and Robert to fall out of love with her. She told them she had grabbed something at school, in town, or that Laurel or Bernice had cooked for her whilst she was hanging out with Gabby. They just smiled, nodded, accepting her words as the truth, trusting her, something that Liv was starting to wish they’d never started to do, reminiscing over the days when they could sense something was wrong just by a look in her eyes. Maybe she’d gotten better at hiding it, or maybe they just didn’t care anymore.

She started off snacking, rather than keeping down a whole meal, each piece of food she picked at slowly got smaller and smaller, time passing by too quickly for anyone to notice the weight she was losing. It never started off with the intent of her body getting smaller and smaller, skinnier and skinnier, but rather something that had just become a habit. Things were different now. She felt like she had control again, focusing all her time on herself, something that was praised nowadays, focusing on yourself. She revelled in the compliments people gave her, commenting on how thin she looked, wanting to know her secret, actually asking to be her friend. She felt loved for the first time in ages, and she couldn’t help herself any longer.

When exams eventually rolled around, Liv got hit hard. She spent her life stressing about her grades, not allowing herself to eat until she had finished her revision, submitted her homework, finished a sketch that took hours. She was agitated, frustrated, stressed out, and despite the reassurance her family gave her, she couldn’t help but doubt herself, focusing on the negatives rather than the positives. She ran on three hours of sleep, running out of tears, struggling to find hope, struggling to find faith in herself. 

That was the first time Aaron and Robert had approached her, worried about her, wanting to understand the stress she was under, determined to be there for her when she was in the dark.

Liv spent her life at the kitchen table, painting a canvas she had previously sketched on, wearing one of Robert’s old work shirts, hair scruffily pulled back into a ponytail, splotches of colour across her cheeks, and up her arms. She hadn’t even heard them open the front door, not expecting them home this early from work, normally returning hours later, when she had already cleaned up, and ‘eaten’. They made her jump when they sat down at the table, opposite to where she was standing, arms folded across their chests, eyeing her in a way that made her feel uncomfortable, causing her to raise her eyebrows at them, a silent question asked.

“We’re worried about you.” Robert told her, noticing a little bit of light in her eyes, like she was happy they were there, happy to see them, but it disappeared when she shook her head, reassuring them that she was fine, that they didn’t need to stress about her.

“Just a little concerned about how distant you’ve become.” Aaron stated, pushing it out, scared of her reaction, expecting her to blow up at them for being too invasive, but rather she just stayed quiet, carrying on painting, avoiding their questioning eyes, forced to look at them when Robert pulled the paintbrush from the grip, she was holding it with, between her fingers. “Seriously, Liv. No one’s really seen you, even Gabby asked how you were, and she also happened to mention that you’ve not been round there recently, like you’ve been telling us. So, where exactly have you been?” Her brother questioned, not knowing how much she was falling apart on the inside, keeping a close eye on her cool demeanour, her façade of an exterior, eyebrows furrowed as she internally came up with an excuse.

“Staying late at school, actually want to get good grades, believe it or not.” She mumbled, content with the sympathetic nod they gave her, happy they hadn’t noticed her lies, happy to know that they didn’t recognise the hurt they had caused her.

“Just try your best, that’s all you can do, kid.” Robert smiled, standing from his chair, wrapping his arms around her, a kiss to her hair, handing back her paintbrush, pulling away slightly to smile at the image she was painting. It was the Yorkshire Dales, the white cliffs, the dark green hills, the pinks and the purples of the sunset. “Coming along nicely.” He smiled at her, watching his husband move to get a better look, nodding also.

Aaron wrapped his arms around her shoulders from behind, bending down to rest his head against her shoulder, admiring the work before him, glowing with pride, pressing a kiss to his little sister’s cheek, smirking as she pulled away, and wiped it off. He couldn’t help himself then. Doing what he used to hate his mum doing. He licked his thumb, pressing it to his sister’s face, wiping the paint off, laughing as she squirmed away from him, happy with the moment he was spending with her.

“How about I treat us all to dinner at the pub? Can’t cook in a messy kitchen, can I?” Robert joked, noting his husband’s agreement, before turning to his sister-in-law who shook her head at him.

“You two go, I need to finish this. Have a date, or something. Don’t want to be third wheeling do I?” They accepted her answer, giggling at her, thanking her for allowing them to have some alone time, something she smiled back at them for, concealing the hurt it caused her as she watched them walk out the front door, allowing the tears to fall, trying to focus the pain on the painting in front of her.

Liv’s 17th birthday was the next time they had approached her. Exam season had come and gone, the teen settling into college, doing art full time as a btech, happy that she could spend all her hours channelling the inner artist in her. She had begun sticking her toothbrush down her throat every night before bed, and every morning before school, surviving on one apple a day, something she made sure the boys saw her eat.

Aaron and Robert kept offering to take her out for dinner, frowning when she always turned them down, determined to take her out for dinner on her birthday, but ended up ordering a pizza instead. She made them order from a healthier place, something they moaned at her for but accepted, rolling their eyes at the vegetarian supreme she’d ordered. The three sat down in front of the telly, Liv struggling to even pick up a slice, her mind already adding up the calories. She hoped the boys were too engrossed in the TV to notice, but they weren’t. Their eyes had stayed on her, watching her curl in on herself in the armchair, from their place on the sofa, concerned with why she wasn’t eating it. They joked, wondering if she hated it and how it was her fault because she’d made them order healthy pizza, but she rolled her eyes, lied and told them she didn’t feel well.

“Eating will help.” Her brother reassured, something she shook her head at, telling him how she felt sick, and that she knew she’d throw up anything she ate, something they tried to accept, but they’d be daft to not notice the weight she had lost over the past year and a half. “You know, I don’t even remember the last time I saw you eat anything.” He added, and Liv prayed he couldn’t read her mind, silently begging him to let it go, that dream going out of the window when Robert agreed.

“Is there something going on? You’ve lost so much weight, Liv, and you can barely look at that pizza.” Robert stated, questioning her, worried eyes gazing over her petite frame, her tiny body, her pale skin, wondering how he hadn’t noticed the loss of colour, usually remaining tan, just like her brother, something he had always been jealous of.

“I eat at college all the time, they moan at me for it. Stop worrying. I just discovered what healthy eaten is, that’s all.” She smiled, hoping they’d accept it, but she watched her brother lean forward on the couch, shutting his empty pizza box and dumping it on the coffee table in front of him, his husband doing the same.

“You’re not going anywhere until you’ve eaten two slices of that pizza, and then we’ll drop it.” Aaron’s worried voice stated, her heart breaking, shattering into pieces, not liking the concerned eyes watching as her fingers curled around a slice of pizza, bringing it to her mouth, taking a second before taking a bite, smiling at them to prove that they shouldn’t be worried.

It was in that moment that she realised how bad she had gotten. This time a year ago she was silently begging for their attention, and now she had it, she didn’t want it. All she wanted to do was run from the situation, trying not to think about the food she was putting in her mouth, anxiety overtaking her whenever she swallowed, knowing she’d have to throw it up as soon as possible, hoping they’d let her go to the toilet and not think about it. Wiping her greasy fingers on a napkin, she headed to the bathroom beside the fireplace, going straight for her toothbrush, feeling relieved as the food escaped her body, enjoying the thrill of control, content with how fast she’d got the toxic pizza out of her body.

In the end, it was Aaron who rushed her to hospital. 

Robert was working late in Hotten, having a meeting with a potential investor, not expected home until after 9pm, so his husband had bought some fish and chips, knowing Seb was with Rebecca, happy that he got his little sister to himself for the first time in what felt like forever. He wore a smile as he opened the front door, calling for her as he shut it behind him, noticing the bathroom door was wide open, calling for her again before peaking round the white wood, checking to see if she was in there, ready to grill her for not turning the light off and leaving the door open. But no one could’ve prepared him for the sight in front of him.

Liv’s tiny body was collapsed by the side of the toilet, her toothbrush on the floor, blood dripping from her lips, causing him to dump the fish and chips on the table and drop to his knees beside her, terrified as he saw the sandwich he’d made her for lunch in pieces in the toilet, something she had purposely thrown up, the toothbrush by her hand was enough of an indicator to determine it was self-controlled. He pulled her into his arms, wiping the blood from her face, noticing how fragile her frame was, ribs protruding from her chest, arms skinny enough to snap. Dialling for an ambulance, he cried into her hair, cursing himself for not picking up on this sooner.

When the paramedics had arrived, the seriousness of the situation begun to kick in. Liv had been tearing herself apart in front of everyone, and yet no one had noticed. Aaron couldn’t help but feel guilty, he’d let her down, hadn’t been there when she needed him, and he was struggling to think now how he’d not seen straight through her. His worried eyes watched on from the door as the paramedics began assessing her, talking to each other in a language he didn’t understand, only recognising when they told him he wouldn’t be able to join her in the ambulance because they had to continue working on her, to keep her alive. He nodded, watching as they helped her onto a stretcher, and took her to the doors of the ambulance, a last glance before they shut the doors and sped off towards the hospital, blue light and siren enough to disturb the neighbours.

It was at that moment that Aaron decided to call Robert, not caring about the important meeting he was in. Heading straight to his contacts in his phone, he clicked on his husband’s name, bringing the mobile up to his ear, pressing it against his skin, wanting nothing more than to break down in tears. Thankfully, Robert picked up.

“Aaron? Everything okay?” He asked, a hint of frustration in his voice, clearly in the middle of an important conversation.

“It’s Liv, Rob.”

“What about her?”

“I found her, collapsed in the bathroom. She’d made herself sick and now the ambulance have taken her to the hospital, but she was, like, a second away from death, and I don’t know what to do.” Aaron cried, taking a deep breath to keep himself together, could practically hear his husband’s anxiety over the phone.

Robert had felt terrified before, but never like this. His heart dropped, his palms were sweaty, tears were making their way down his face, fidgeting, running a hand through his hair, putting all the jagged pieces together in the puzzle of Liv, wondering how he hadn’t noticed a change in her. Thinking she was just a teenage girl discovering who she was, something that he couldn’t understand, so for some reason, he didn’t even try to.

“I’ll meet you at the hospital.” And then he hung up, apologising to his client, explaining briefly, grateful the man understand.

“I have a teenage daughter too, they know how to scare ya.” Robert paused, the man clearly thinking Liv was his daughter, something that he didn’t correct, something that he’d never thought about before. He thanked him, happy that he wasn’t receiving any abuse for cutting a meeting short, a soft smile on his face as he imagined explaining to Liv that someone thought she was his daughter, and then it hit him. She may not survive this, he won’t get to tell her, and hear her laugh, moaning at him for not correcting the bloke when he had the chance. He’d never argue with her again, couldn’t moan at her for breaking her curfew, couldn’t cook her favourite meal, or pick her up from college. He’d never get to see any of her artwork again, he’d never get to hold her again, and tell her he loved her. He was running now, getting straight in the car, speeding off towards the hospital, grateful that he was close by.

As Robert parked his car, he noticed Aaron getting out of his, he called for his husband, who jogged towards him, tears still streaming from his eyes, waiting for the blonde to embrace him, to receive some comfort, the two standing there for a while, taking a moment to breathe one another in, and for Aaron to explain the whole story, before they began making their way to the hospital, asking the receptionist about Liv’s whereabouts, running to the location they’d received.

Pushing the doors of the ward open, a paramedic approached them, Aaron recognising him instantly, asking desperately how she was, after introducing Robert.

“Can we have a chat somewhere more private?” He asked, the two nodded, following him into a small room, with yellow walls and depressing art, and out of date magazines. They sat down opposite the man in uncomfortable green chairs, children’s toys scattered around the floor, and a clock ticking loudly on the wall above them.

“Liv is stable, but we did lose her in the ambulance, but we managed to get her back.”

Liv had died. Liv stopped breathing in an ambulance of strangers and neither of them were there to hold her hand, to tell her they loved her, and even though she was now stable, she was alone. The past year and a half had been a lonely journey for her, no one picking up on her destructive habits, destroying herself day by day, and not a single soul truly noticing. She had isolated herself, lied to everyone, tore herself apart in a way they didn’t understand, not bothering to try to.

“I do need to discuss Liv’s eating habits with you two, considering you are her guardians.” The boys nodded, reaching across to hold each other’s hands. “When was the last time you two actually witnessed her eating a meal?” 

“I actually don’t remember.” Robert croaked out, not caring about the vulnerability he was showing, not caring about his pride, all he could see was Liv, and the image he had imagined of her broken body in the bathroom, knowing Aaron was seeing the same thing too. The real thing.

“When I had found her, she had thrown up the sandwich I had made her for lunch.” Aaron explained, breathing deeply to remain as calm as possible for her sake. The paramedic nodded sympathetically at the two, knowing he had to lay all the facts on the table before letting them see her, teaching them how to understand, how to cope, and to do what was right by his patient.

“Liv has anorexia and bulimia, and the weight she is currently at is incredibly unhealthy, and unsafe. We have already referred her to a clinic to help with gaining back a healthy weight, and with all cases like this, a psychiatrist will also be a part of Liv’s mental health team, as well as her physical health team. She’s currently on an intravenous tube, which is sending fluids back into her body, beneath her skin, as well as being on a vitamin drip to slow down her metabolism and to expand her waistline. But the challenging part is helping Liv to actually pick up a piece of food, and to keep it down. So if she’s eaten in front of you, don’t let her leave your sight for at least an hour, so whatever she has eaten has time to make its way to her stomach and digest. I understand that this is a shock, but right now, the only focal point is Liv.”

It was a reality check. It was heart breaking, and it was guilt ridden. It was something they never thought would happen to them, never expecting Liv to fall down a path as destructing as this one. Having their minds elsewhere could’ve killed her. They just took her word, believing the lies she had constructed, trying to work out how neither of them had figured out the differences within her, how they’d not noticed how serious it had become. Their minds couldn’t help but try and understand her reasoning, understand why she did it, why she carried on despite how dangerous the consequences were, if she even knew about the consequences. It was soul shaking, bouncing their legs up and down, hand through their hair, pulling at the lose threads of their clothing, lip biting, jumpers over their hands, tears falling, body shaking, heart breaking.

“Can we see her?”

“Of course you can.”

Walking into that room was one of the hardest things Aaron and Robert had faced, had done, had seen. Machines surrounding Liv’s fragile body, keeping her alive, the noises enough to drive anyone insane. Her blue eyes opened at the sound of the door opening, glancing over at the pair, avoiding eye contact, the disappointment in their faces enough to make her sob, pulling the blanket right up to her chin, shutting her eyes hoping they’d go away. But they didn’t.

Aaron sat next to her on the bed, pulling the blanket over him to, enough to make her let out a small giggle, watching him try and fit next to her, but he pulled her into him, letting her relax between his legs, leaning against him with her eyes closed, his hands running through her hair, something he knew relaxed her. Robert perched on the end of the bed, looking at the siblings with sympathetic eyes, finding comfort in Liv’s shaky breaths.

“Are you going to explain?” Aaron asked, now holding her hand in his, playing with her fingers, something she’d done to him when he was in hospital, something she clearly found comforting.

“You already know.” She mumbled, hating the attention, something she had been so desperate for.

“We don’t know what’s going on inside your head. Just talk to us.” Robert begged, watching as she debated it, before bringing herself to talk about everything.

“I didn’t mean to lose weight, that wasn’t the intention. It was just a habit.”

“When did it start?” Her brother asked, not liking the uncomfortable sigh she gave.

“I came home late from school, I had gone into town to get some more paint. When I got home, you’d cooked lasagne, but you had already sat down and eaten it, so I didn’t have dinner that night, it just kind of spiralled from there, I guess.”

“Liv, I’m so sorry.” Robert spoke quietly, reaching for her other hand, placing a kiss into her palm, squeezing it for his own reassurance.

“It’s not your fault.”

“So your birthday, that’s why you didn’t want to eat the pizza.” Aaron quizzed, watching his husband’s face recognising the day he was talking about.

“I threw it up.” She whispered, clearly ashamed, allowing herself to cry. Aaron pulled her closer to him, not liking how delicate she felt, like any movement would break her, wondering how he hadn’t noticed. Robert placed a hand on the blanket, resting it on her foot, softly rubbing it, keeping her in his reach, gripping her hand even tighter, watching his husband do the same, watching him stroke her hair back, running his fingers through it, resting his head on her’s, placing a kiss to her forehead, trying his best to hold back his own tears.

“We’re going to look after you, and get you better.” Robert explained, her sad eyes staring into his own, he struggled to even recognise the blue orbs burning into him. She nodded, shutting her eyes, crying herself to sleep. “We’ll get her through this.” Aaron glanced at his husband, taking in the gentle reassurance, nodding slightly.

“We’ll get her through this.”

 

Recovery was difficult. The day the hospital had allowed Liv to go home was one of the hardest days Aaron and Robert had endured. She had been excited to go home, tired of the same four walls, feeling ashamed when her brother had insisted bringing her to the car in a wheelchair, knowing that any movement wore her out, something he was determined to change. Helping her into the mill, Robert was reluctant to let go of her waist, not wanting her to fall and hurt herself, knowing anything could break if she was hurt, helping her settle into the couch cushions, handing her the TV remote, throwing a blanket over her, before joining his husband in the kitchen who was microwaving a lasagne they had in the freezer.

The nurses had told them to start her off on her favourite foods, because she was more likely to eat them, but handing her the plate of lasagne and a knife and fork was useless, her shaky hands unable to even pick up the cutlery, her worried eyes refusing to look at it, grateful when her brother had taken it off of her, not knowing he’d gone to cut it out into smaller pieces before perching on the coffee table, holding the fork, raising his eyebrows as he picked up a bit of it, holding it to her mouth. She refused to open.

“Liv, please.” He begged her. “Just a tiny bit.” He smiled at her when she opened her mouth, swallowing tiny pieces but stopping after a while, declaring she needed to go the toilet, causing the boys to look at each other. “I don’t think so.”

“Aaron, unless you want me to wet myself-“

“He said no, Liv.” Robert told her, raising his voice slightly, moving to sit beside his husband on the coffee table, watching her with terrified eyes. And then she stuck her fingers down her throat. “LIV.” He had shouted, both of them reaching for her hands, holding her down, forcing her to swallow down the food she had attempted to throw up, watching her sob, begging them, desperate to not eat it, hearts breaking at the sight of her. The recovery process was not going to be easy, they knew that, but seeing Liv so broken was enough to tear them apart.

“Good girl.” Aaron whispered when she calmed down, knowing now that the food had been properly digested, and less of a threat. He pressed his lips to her forehead, getting Robert to take the plate away, allowing her time away from the food, allowing her time to calm down and to relax a bit. He didn’t want to think about dinner, knowing she had to eat it, but terrified to go through that again, scared of her leaving his eyesight, desperate to keep her safe from herself, wanting nothing more than to wrap her up in his arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but he knew it would be a long road to get to that specific point. He watched as Liv’s eyes begun to close, clearly exhausted, and watching her body relax was enough to calm his nerves, enough to reassure him that they’d get through this, enough to know that he and Robert could stop her if necessary.

 

The next couple of weeks were challenging to say the least. If Liv wasn’t at the clinic, she was talking to her psychiatrist. She was slowly beginning to eat again but her defensiveness had caused way too many screaming matches and way too many tears. She struggled to deal with the lack of trust, the lack of faith, the lack on independence, never being able to be left alone, someone always had to be with her.

She had started doing shifts in the pub, Chas hoping that by her being surrounded by cooked food would be enough to convince her to eat, but it was a naïve outlook which Liv had proved. She wasn’t bothered by carrying the food to tables, watching everyone eat what Vic and Marlon had cooked. She was oblivious to it, just doing her job, not fussed. Aaron and Robert had decided to meet her in there after they had finished work, going out for dinner like they used to, like a proper family. But once it was time to order, that’s when things kicked off.

With Aaron and Robert ordering the same meal, a cheeseburger, Liv told Marlon she wasn’t hungry and that she’d just have some water. He looked uncomfortable, turning to the boys sat opposite her, both frowning, annoyed that even after everything, she was still not going to eat.

“She’ll have a cheeseburger, but a kid’s one so it’s smaller.” Robert informed the chef, watching him nod and write it down on his notepad, trying his best to not look at the teen who was clearly agitated. She was fidgeting, chewing at her nails, biting her lip, pulling her hair back into a ponytail. Walking away from the booth, Marlon was relieved he would not be part of the discussion, part of the argument.

“I’m not hungry.” She stated, bluntly, eyeing at Robert with a hint of annoyance in her tone, watching him raise his eyebrows at her, sitting back slightly, folding his arms across his chest.

“I don’t care.” He told her, choosing not to acknowledge the intense glare she was giving him. “You’re eating dinner with us, and we’re not leaving until it’s all gone.” He didn’t want to sound mean, to sound like a determined parent, but sometimes that was the only way Liv would respond, would listen if he sounded blunt and annoyed, like something clicked within her and she would obey every word, wondering why she was being yelled at. She rolled her eyes at him, playing on her phone, scrolling endlessly through social media, frustrated out of her mind.

When the food had been placed in front of them, Liv refused to look up from her phone, pretending that there wasn’t a plate of food in front of her, ignoring Aaron and Robert’s insistent glares as they ate their cheeseburgers, finishing their entire meals when her’s still hadn’t be touched. And then the humiliation started. Aaron had reached across for her plate, began cutting everything up into smaller pieces like he had a few weeks previously, picking up pieces of food with the fork, holding it to her mouth, ignoring the pub’s eyes, raising his eyebrows at her as Robert took her phone away.

“You’re either going to make me feed you in front of everyone, or you’re going to do it yourself like you did yesterday. The choice is up to you.” She glared at her brother, glancing around the pub noticing everyone’s eyes on her, making her feel uncomfortable, making her grab the fork from Aaron’s hand and begin to eat herself, leaving her brother content, a sigh of relief escaping his lips, a smirk spreading across Robert’s features as she slowly put tiny pieces of food in her mouth, not looking up at them, only when she declared she didn’t want any more did she meet their gaze. She hated their proud looks, their smug looks, but all she wanted was to get this food out of her, standing from her place at the table, not liking when Robert stood up too.

“No.” Was all he said, the two just standing there for a moment, Liv slowly making her way back to the seat, watched Robert do the same, handing her back her phone. 

“This is ridiculous.” She mumbled, the whole situation frustrating her, the lack of trust breaking her heart.

“We’re doing this for your own good.” Her brother reminded her, causing her to roll her eyes at him, tired of hearing the same excuses time and time again. She understood how dangerous all of this was, but throwing up her dinner once surely wouldn’t hurt the recovery process, she thought. “Right, let’s head home.” Aaron announced, snapping her out of her internal discussion with herself, causing her to stand up with him, only just noticing Robert paying at the bar. They all filed out, and began walking towards the mill, Liv staying a metre or two behind the couple, not wanting to see their mushy faces, and weird flirting, sticking with just seeing them hold hands. 

She didn’t know what made her do it, but her conscience had seemed to leave her a long time ago. Aaron and Robert hadn’t once looked behind them to see if she was still there, so it gave her a chance to run, far away from either of them, running pass the shop, and out of the village, not once looking behind her, thriving off the adrenalin rush, a smile spreading across her face, feeling relieved that she had finally taken back control, that she had finally escaped the worried eyes, the demands, the lack of trust. She was free, to herself, and to the world, wondering why she hadn’t done this sooner.

It hadn’t taken them long to notice that Liv was no longer behind them. Aaron’s stomach dropped, Robert’s heart breaking, the two of them just glancing at one another before calling her name, screaming it, hands cupped around their mouths to intensify the echo, not caring how crazy they looked. They were running all over the village, checking behind every house, searching down skinny alley ways. They even went back to the pub, announcing to everyone in there that Liv had gone missing, Chas ringing the bell so she caught every one’s attention, giving a detailed description of the teen causing the village to go into a frenzy.

Every Dingle was out searching, everything Sugden was too, every Thomas, every King, every Barton, everyone. With at least 60 people out looking, every soul aware of her eating disorder, they were hopeful that she would be found before dawn. 

Cain and Debbie had turned the garage upside down, knowing that Liv could be hidden anywhere. They checked beneath cars, heading up into the loft, searching every cupboard, the toilet, but she was nowhere. The pair began getting agitated, firing off a text to Aaron and Robert that she wasn’t at the garage, but insisted they kept searching the village, after checking their homes.

Bernice and Kerry looked upstairs of the salon, wondering if she had snuck in, looking for a safe place, somewhere warm, a place where not many people would look, but there was no sign of the girl. They, too, checked every cupboard, even checked the tanning booth, and the bins outside, but it was as they had left it, no soul entering the building after the two of them had left for the day.

Rhona, Paddy, and Vanessa frightened the animals with their frantic searching in the vets, the blonde checking the medication to see if everything was still there, Rhona had hoisted herself up into the attic, and Paddy was just in a panic tearing the place apart. But there was nothing, no sign of her anywhere.

Cain ended up joining Moira at the farm with Ross and Pete, the village thinking that this was their best bet, often finding people huddled in the warmth of the barn. Every field, every room of the house, behind every haystack, everywhere. But the only life within the farm was the animals, not a soul beyond theirs. 

David had convinced himself she’d be in the shop, often found her sat in there, attempting to nick something off the shelves, or just coming to pester him, or see Jacob. Even Tracy came to look, despite still not being on good terms with her ex, but wanting to support Jakey who was incredibly worried for his friend. David took the outside, Tracy checked the stock room, as the youngest turned their house upside down, but it was heart breaking when they had to confirm to Aaron that Liv wasn’t there. 

Jai and Priya checked the factory, but nothing.

Diane, Doug and Eric search every room in the B&B, all of them filled with visitors, none of them seeing Liv. 

Zac, Lisa, Belle and Sam checked all around their home, and over the land outside, but she wasn’t there.

Bob and Brenda looked around the café, but there was no sign of her.

Gabby checked the cricket pavilion, hoping she had cracked Liv’s code, hoping she would find her in their familiar hang out spot, but it was empty.

Even Joe and Graham checked home farm, wanting to make themselves look good, but they said they hadn’t seen her, Robert struggled to believe them.

And the two men. Aaron and Robert, with the help of Jimmy and Gerry, searched every corner of the scrapyard, hoping that’s where she’d go, besides their home, a place they had already checked, but she wasn’t there, and according to Chas and Charity, she wasn’t at the pub either.

With Laurel and Harriet having one final sweep of the church, it was clear that Liv was out of the village.

Returning home, defeated, Aaron and Robert let their tears fall, deciding to phone the police, annoyed at themselves for letting Liv out of their sight, frustrated that they had finally begun getting her healthy again and they had blown it. They prayed that she would eat, and that she wouldn’t throw up, but they would be naïve if they listened to their hope. They sat next to each other on the couch, legs bouncing up and down, describing everything they knew about Liv to the police in front of them, who kept shooting the pair sympathetic smiles, leaving them in peace, pledging to do whatever they could to get Liv back safely.

 

It had almost been a week since anyone had seen Liv. Her face was plastered on posters all over the village and there had still been no sight of her. Aaron and Robert spent their days calling her name, searching the area, driving down every single road in Hotten and even further out, but the teen was long gone. The couple had even spent the last couple of nights sleeping in her bed besides their own, the familiar scent of her reassuring them slightly, holding on to each other in the darkness, letting the tears fall, and the guilt drown them.

They kept trying to piece things together, trying to understand Liv’s mind and where she would go, but they couldn’t quite figure her out, hating that they struggled to understand her completely, focusing on Seb for so long that she was out of sight, and out of mind. Robert was struggling to look after his son, letting tears fall whenever Victoria brought him round. He found it hard to see his son in the same light as before, knowing that his attention had been so focused on him that Liv had closed in on herself entirely. But day by day, he found it easier to hold Seb, and whisper reassurances in his ear, noticing Aaron’s heart breaking in front of him, knowing full well that all he wanted was to wrap his arms around his baby, Liv, and tell her that everything would be okay.

The entire village had knocked on the mill’s front door, bringing over casseroles in porcelain dishes, pasta bakes in tuppleware boxes, even ordering them pizzas. Aaron and Robert appreciated it, but even looking at food reminded them of Liv, forcing them to wonder if she had eaten, or if she had starved herself so much that she had completely wasted away and was dead in a gutter somewhere, sobbing at the thought.

And then one night, everything changed.

Aaron and Robert had been sat on their couch, staring at their reflections in the switched off television screen, an uncertain silence becoming deafening, hands gripping onto each other, like they would lose the other too if they dared to let go. That’s when they had heard a key in the lock of the first door, a blurred silhouette appearing through the distorted glass of their door, watching it swing open, leaping up to find Liv standing before them, realising how terrible she looked, worried at how much a week and a half had changed her.

She was still skinny, but not like she had lost any weight, her hair was a mess and her clothes were ruined, and her skin was paler than a sheet of paper. The bags beneath her hollow eyes were dark, a bruise forming on her cheek, and her entire body was shaking like a leaf. She practically fell into her brother’s arms, letting her hold him, listening to him sob into her hair, hearing Robert on the phone reassuring the village, before explaining to the police. They wanted to come round, but the blonde begged them to wait for a bit, wanting nothing more than to spend time with his family, and hear about what had happened.

His heart dropped as he turned round to face the pair, watching Liv’s body go limp in Aaron’s arms, watching his husband pick her tiny body up, walking over to the couch, sitting down, holding his little sister as tightly to his chest as he could, analysing her face, tears of his own falling onto her porcelain skin, pressing his lips to her forehead, stroking her hair back so his vision wasn’t blocked, feeling relived that she was home, and in his arms. Robert stood behind the couch, looking down at Liv, eyes never straying far from her face, finding comfort in her pink cheeks and messy hair.

“Liv, can you open your eyes for me?” Aaron whispered, noticing movements within her body to signal that she was coming around, wondering if she had collapsed because she was happy to be home, or for a much darker reason that he wasn’t sure he wanted to think about. He smiled softly at her when her eyes flickered open, looking up at him, snuggling further into his chest. “Hiya.” He whispered, still smiling, a few tears dancing across his cheeks as he glanced down at her.

“You enjoy scaring us, don’t you?” Robert joked, forcing Liv to lean back slightly, so she could see his face looking down at her, rolling her eyes slightly, her movements slow, like they were watching her in slow motion, or that they were in fast forward, all three of them wanting to pause this moment, wanting to feel safe like this forever.

“I’m sorry.” She had whispered, her eyes shutting briefly for a second, before opening them to see her brother looking at her with that worried expression that would forever be ingrained on her brain.

“Shh.” He had whispered, threading his fingers through her hair, pulling out the knots as softly as he could, knowing she found comfort whenever anyone played with her hair, something she’d never admit, but something the boys had picked up on whenever she was in a state. “Get some sleep.” Aaron whispered, pulling her closer to him, watching as she allowed herself to drift off, breathing out a sigh of relief when he felt her body go limp in his arms, holding her as tightly as he could, glancing up at Robert who leaned down to kiss him, the pair allowing themselves to smile for the first time in a while, grateful that the teen was home, where she belonged.

When the police came knocking, Aaron felt his heart break when he realised he’d have to wake Liv up, wanted her to stay bundled up asleep in his arms for the rest of time. Although, he couldn’t describe the happiness he felt when he watched her blue eyes flutter open, smiling at the sight of him, something he’d never forget, helping her sit up comfortably beside him on the couch, allowing the police to sit themselves down in the armchairs as Robert sat down the other side of Liv, still not liking how pale she looked, how broken she looked, how defeated she looked.

“Liv, we just want to ask you a few questions, is that okay?” One of the policeman asked, the badge on his uniform giving him the name of Martin, who watched her nod slightly back at him, as he pulled out a pen and opened up a pad of paper, ready to write down whatever she told him. “Did you remain on your own whilst you’ve been gone?” Aaron heard her gulp, not liking the fact that she shook her head, wanting to hurt anyone who was near her, potentially stopping her from coming home. Robert felt his hands form into fists, frustrated that it had taken Liv so long to come home, wanting to kill the people her delayed her.

“Who were you with?” The female police officer asked her, the name on her badge introducing her as Kate, someone who looked kind, someone Liv didn’t mind talking to.

“A few different people let me stay on their sofas.” The teen mumbled out. “No one hurt me if that’s what you’re wondering, I just didn’t feel like coming home.”

Her statement stung like a bee, Aaron and Robert disliking the fact that she wanted to be away from them, that she didn’t want to come home, which resulted in her staying with strangers, something that terrified the pair of them, especially with how vulnerable she currently was.

“It’s just a procedure, they should’ve rung us the minute they saw you, they were holding back evidence, something we could arrest them for.” Martin explained, watching as her head turned to face him. “Do you have any names?” He continued, watching her respond with a single shake of her head and a shrug of her shoulders, reading her body language.

“Liv, would you rather speak to just me?” Kate asked, watching the girl nod. Aaron and Robert felt upset that she didn’t want to open up to them, upset that she was holding back whatever truths were inside of her, letting Martin escort them into the kitchen, turning back slightly to watch his colleague sit beside Liv on the couch, before sitting down at the table with the other two men, an uncomfortable silence surrounding them.

“I wasn’t allowed to leave, he wouldn’t let me.” Liv sobbed.

“Who?”

“My dad.” 

Kate was aware of who Gordon was after being assigned to Liv’s case, knowing his past history of abusing his son, wondering if the same had been done to his daughter. The woman felt her heart drop as she watch tears stream from Liv’s eyes, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“Did he touch you?” Liv nodded, Kate’s mouth dropping open, not liking the thought of anyone getting abused by anyone, let alone their own father. “In what way?” She had to ask, not wanting to jump straight into the conclusion of rape, not wanting to upset the teen even more than she already was.

“He raped me.” Was the whispered response, causing Kate to retract her hand from its place on Liv’s shoulder. Confessions like this were always hard to hear, but something about this one was heart breaking.

“Do you know his address?”

Liv cooperated, grateful she remembered, telling the woman everything she knew, explaining what had happened, keeping her voice down, not wanting to worry her brothers with the statement, knowing how worried they already were. She begged Kate not to tell them but considering Liv was still 17, a child in the eyes of the law, the police officer had no choice but to talk to them, allowing the teen to go upstairs to her room before she joined the other adults at the kitchen table to explain what had happened.

Aaron wanted to kill his father, hating how he had to get straight in there and hurt Liv the first chance he got. His son clearly wasn’t enough all those years ago, that he had to go straight to his vulnerable daughter, something Gordon often preyed on, using insecurities to get what he wanted, teasing someone till they gave themselves up and he had a chance to pounce. His own abuse with his father had torn him apart, triggering his mental health struggles, giving him trust issues and suicidal thoughts. He understood what something like this could do to someone, and he hated that Liv was now going to have to experience all of that for herself.

Robert, on the other hand, didn’t hold back, throwing a glass at the wall opposite him. Anger pumping through his veins, his hands wanting nothing more than to wrap around Gordon’s throat and choke the life out of him. He wanted to watch him suffer, wanted to make him pay for the hurt he had caused his children. He zoned out the police officers, only picking up on how Liv had given them his address, explaining how they were off to arrest him, something Robert was grateful for, but it didn’t stop the anger rising.

As soon as the front door slammed shut, the couple held onto each other as tightly as they could, allowing themselves to sob into the other’s shoulder, allowing themselves to talk and talk and talk, wanting to calm themselves down before they went up to check on Liv, not wanting to frighten her with their anger, something that Gordon clearly had done. It was only then that the boys considered how Liv was probably feeling. She probably blamed herself, something she had a habit of doing. Probably felt like it was her fault, thinking how if she hadn’t run away, she wouldn’t have run into Gordon, wouldn’t have caused the stress.

Aaron and Robert traipsed up the staircase, making their way through Liv’s open door to find her asleep on her side under the covers of her bed. She looked peaceful, not like how she was when she had flown up the stairs, crying her eyes out at her confession. She had calmed herself down, alone. Something the boys hated. Promising each other ages ago that they wouldn’t allow Liv her independence until she was close to being fully recovered, something they now understood may never happen. Mental health doesn’t just disappear once you get through a rough patch, wondering if you’d even make it out the other side. But it sticks around like a bad smell, waiting to prey on your weakest moments, trying to take away the strength you’ve built up. Recovery isn’t getting rid of it, recovery is learning to fight it and take control of it, and Aaron knew that more than anyone. He understood now that it was going to take a while for Liv to become the confident girl he’d known for years, and he was determined to remain by her side through all of it, grateful that Robert would do the same, giving the teen a solid support system.

Aaron collapsed onto the bed beside his little sister, gently pulling her into his arms again, pressing a kiss to her forehead, not liking how she flinched away from his touch the minute she woke up, only to snuggle back into his arms when she acknowledged where she was, smiling at Robert who had perched on the end of her bed, eyeing her, taking all of her in.

“We’re going to look after you.” Aaron whispered into her hair.

 

The next few days were some of the hardest they’d ever endured. Liv refused to leave her room, feeling safe tucked up under the covers, sleeping the pain away. The boys had been making sure she was eating, a little bit happy that she had no motivation to get out of bed to make herself sick. 

The anger within Aaron and Robert had died down for a bit, not wanting Liv to see the hurt in their eyes, not wanting to put that on her shoulders. They were aware that Gordon had been arrested and charged, but Liv was adamant on not taking it to court after seeing the pain her brother had been through. They kept an eye on her the best they could, laying up on the bed with her, watching shitty TV shows and films on Netflix, eyeing the teen beside them as she slowly drifted in and out of sleep, keeping her eyes and mouth shut.

After not having her around for a week and a bit, all they wanted to do was spend some family time together, having dinner at the pub, wandering around the art shops in town, smashing up cars at the scrapyard and taking Seb out to the park, but it was a rare occasion if the teen even left her room. Chas and Paddy had come round a few times to lend their skills where it was necessary, but there was nothing they could do besides keeping an eye on Liv to give Aaron and Robert a chance to shower and get whatever work that needed doing done. Victoria had been a massive help when it had come to getting Liv in the shower or in the bath, the woman drying the girl’s hair for her and braiding it out of her face. The two had become close, something that slightly eased the worry in the boys’ minds.

It was one night in particular that they had found Liv crying her eyes out.

Aaron had woken up in the middle of the night, something immediately seeming off. The landing light was on, brightness cracking underneath the bedroom door forcing the man to stand up immediately to investigate. Opening up the door, he was greeted with the sight of his sister’s bedroom door wide open, the teen not tucked up in bed where they had left her, and then he heard a sob coming from downstairs, noticing that the living room light was on. He was shocked that she’d even come out of her room. Creeping down the spiral staircase, he spotted her on the couch, crying softly to herself with a book open in her lap, trying to distract her mind with a story, but it clearly wasn’t working.

“Liv?” Aaron called from his place at the bottom of the stairs, watching as she turned and looked up at him, wiping the tears away quickly, hoping he hadn’t noticed. “Couldn’t sleep?” He asked, watched as she shook her head at him, folding over the corner of the page in the book so she wouldn’t lose her place, closing it, and placing it down on the coffee table in front of her.

“Just keep thinking about all the stress I’ve caused you.” She mumbled. “I can go back to my mum’s if it’s easier.” Aaron let out a laugh, no humour in it, wondering where she got that impression.

“Liv, I want you here with me, I don’t want you to go.” He started, walking over to the coffee table so he could sit directly in front of her, reaching for her hands. “And you’ve not caused me any stress, you’ve made me worried, and I want to keep you in my sight at all times.”

“I’m sorry, for everything.” Tears were rolling down her face and her brother couldn’t help but wipe them away with his thumb, letting her rest her head on his shoulder and just cry, placing a hand on the back of her head, the other wrapping around her back, rubbing little circles between her shoulder blades for extra comfort. He tried to hold back the tears, not wanting to show any weakness, wanting to be strong for her.

“You have nothing to be sorry about.” He whispered into her hair, leaving a kiss, looking up as he spotted Robert coming down the staircase, a sympathetic smile formed upon his face, something that reassured Aaron as he smiled back, watching as his husband walked over to the pair, perching on the arm of the couch beside Liv, causing her to pull away from her brother and look up at him.

“You need to stop apologising, kiddo.” The blonde told her. “We just want you to get better.”

“But that’s the thing. What if I don’t get better? What if this is how I’ll be for the rest of my life?” Liv allowed herself to be scared, the reserved act becoming too tiring for her, letting herself feel the emotions without thinking about it. 

“You will, you just need to have a little faith in yourself. We believe in you. Maybe you should try believing in you too.” Aaron told her, making proper eye contact with her for the first time in a while, and he struggled to recognise her. It was strange seeing her so scared when for so many years she had played it off, not wanting anyone to see her weaknesses. She was so much smaller than she used to be, timid, anxious, and he couldn’t help but see himself in her. They were too alike for their own good and he hated to see her hurting as much as he had when he was her age.

“I give up.” Those three words were enough to send chills down their spines, not liking how defeated Liv was.

“Don’t you dare say that.” Robert told her, watching her fall apart in front of him, sobbing into her brother’s chest as he held her there and cried too, so much so that the older man found tears upon his cheeks as well. He had never felt worry like it. Liv had been through hell and back and had everything thrown at her all at once, and he was determined to get her through it. To be there for her unlike before. Taking in every single one of her emotions.

Liv was apologising again, over and over. She was literally falling apart in front of them. Aaron looked up at the clock behind him, learning that she’d been sobbing for almost an hour and his heart was breaking before him. She slowly began calming down, giving up as she’d put it, growing more and more tired, sitting back into the cushions of couch, avoiding their eyes. It was light outside now, watching the sun rise slowly through the windows, an orange light filling the room. In this light, they could see her better. Her frame was still petite, but not as skinny as it had been, her skin was so pale that Robert brought his hand to her forehead, noticing she had a bit of a temperature. Goosebumps decorated her arms, causing Aaron to shrug his hoodie off and wrap it around her.

“I love you.” Liv whispered to him, and he felt his heart overdose with love, finding comfort in the rare show of affection she gave him, watching as she turned to Robert to say the same.

“And we love you, you muppet.” Her brother joked, hitting her leg softly with his hand, feeling happy as she smiled at him, grateful that she had shown him her weakness, and was displaying emotions upon her face. “Let’s get you up to bed, yeah?” She nodded, and then he was following her up the stairs, kissing Robert’s lips as he went, the older man already on coffee duty, something Aaron silently thanked him for.

He let her get comfortable in bed before tucking the duvet around her, stroking back some of her hair as he placed a soft kiss on her forehead, before leaving the room after one last glance at her. He silently walked downstairs, joining his husband at the kitchen table, accepting the coffee placed in front of him.

“At least she’s not bottled it all up.” Robert reassured.

“Thank god I woke up, otherwise she would’ve.”

“Don’t think about it like that. She actually showed us proper emotion, I’m just grateful I woke up and was with her too.”

“I just hating seeing her so upset, Rob.” Aaron croaked out, reaching across the table to hold onto his husband’s hand.

“Me too.”

 

Liv had begun leaving her room more, joining the boys to watch TV in the evenings, finding comfort in hugging Seb, and flicking through whatever book she had decided to read. She had even received a new sketchpad and paints from Paddy, the boys now finding her at the kitchen table more often, drawing whatever she wanted. They were happy that she had something to focus on, something that no one else could mess up. She had even painted a few pictures of the dales, feeling proud when Chas had told she had framed a few of them and hung them up in the pub. Aaron had even convinced her to go and see them, feeling relief when she actually stepped outside the front door. Robert had decided to finish off some work, allowing the siblings to spend time with one another, his worrying never once seizing. 

Liv stayed close to her brother as they entered the pub, Chas immediately pointing above the door where one of Liv’s paintings was displayed, a small smile forming on her face.

“It looks good up there.” Aaron spoke, proud at the work his sister had created. “How’d you get it up there though? Even standing on the bar you probably couldn’t reach.” He teased his mum, earning him a slap on the wrist, something that had made Liv laugh, a sound no one had heard for a while. “Want to get something to eat whilst we’re here?” He asked softly, smiling at the nod she gave him as they made their way over to some stools in the corner of the bar as Liv flicked through a menu and just decided on a sandwich, whilst Aaron decided on just some chips, declaring his pint was filling enough. The truth was, he didn’t want to make his sister feel bad that he had a whole meal and she didn’t, something he knew she wouldn’t speak up about it, but knew she was probably thinking.

The two were just chatting about anything, currently deep in conversation over the book the teen was currently reading, Chas occasionally joining in when the bar was empty. But the little bubble had burst when Liv heard someone talk about some rumours they had heard about Gordon, causing Aaron to get angry. Hearing his mum and Paddy, even Vic, talk about what had happened to Liv whilst she was missing was hard enough, let alone a stranger, making him wonder how the bloke even knew.

“That’s my sister, you’re talking about.” Aaron shouted, causing the whole pub to go silent and stare at him, Liv immediately tugging on his sleeve, begging him to leave and just go home but he wasn’t having any of it.

“Maybe you should reign her in a bit then, mate. Sleeping with her father? That’s pretty sick.” And that’s when Aaron punched him, and received a punch in return. Liv couldn’t handle it, all the eyes on her, all the unanswered questions, the whole village learning about her secret. She just screamed, causing everyone to take their eyes off her brother, and stare at her, the fight calming down as Chas chucked the bloke out.

“Liv-“ Aaron begun, watching as his sister climb down off the bar stool.

“I’m going home.” He chased her out the doors, not wanting her out of his sight, not wanting her to run off again.

“I’m sorry, alright? But I couldn’t let him get away with saying something like that.” She ignored him, just kept walking towards the mill, ignoring Robert’s greetings from the kitchen table when they got home, the teen immediately running upstairs to her room, slamming her bedroom door shut, causing Robert to question what had gone on. “Some bloke in the pub was making comments so I punched him, and he punched me-“

“Take me to this bloke so I can fucking finish him off.” Robert demanded, his protectiveness taking over his body. Anyone who dared to lay a finger on his husband had a lot coming for him, especially after making comments about Liv, making him even angrier.

“No, Robert. That’s why she’s upset. I made a scene and now everyone knows.” Aaron pleaded running a hand over his face, falling into Robert’s arms who held him tightly.

“At least she knows you care enough to start a fight because of some random bloke. Hopefully that’ll mean something to her.” The blonde reassured, holding on tightly to his husband, leaving a kiss to his hair.

“I guess.” Was the mumbled response.

“Let’s just let her blow off some steam and then I’ll go and check on her, okay?”

“Thanks Rob.”

 

It had been a few hours and the mill was silent, so Robert decided to walk up the stairs, raising his fist to knock on the wood of Liv’s bedroom door, waiting for her to acknowledge it, hearing her invite him in. She was sat on her bed, legs crossed, her cheeks flushed, a book open in her lap, making space for the older man to sit down beside her.

“How are you doing?” He asked softly, watching her mark the page in the book before shutting it and placing it on her bedside table, relaxing back slightly into her pillows.

“Is Aaron mad at me?” That wasn’t a question he was expecting. 

“No, of course not. He thinks you’re mad at him.”

“I am mad at him.”

“I can’t say I blame you.” That caused Liv to look over at him, a confused look in her eyes, normally expecting him to defend his husband, especially after an argument like that.

“Why?” She asked, shrugging her shoulders slightly and folding her arms across her chest.

“Because he made a scene when you wanted to remain low key. But I can see why he did it, because I would’ve done the same.” She scoffed at that, causing him to raise his eyebrows at her. “No one should get away with saying things like that, Liv.”

“I didn’t want everyone finding out like that, okay? It’s embarrassing.” 

Robert watched her. She was fidgeting, toying with a loose thread on the edge of her duvet cover. She had pulled her hair up into a ponytail, when it had been in braids, and it was now a curly mess, but the boys secretly liked it like that. Her cheeks were flushed, but she was warm, something that was different to the goose bumps, something that reassured the man that she was slowly getting better. She had been eating a little bit more now, not throwing what she did eat up. She still wasn’t eating enough but they didn’t feel the need to shove food down her throat anymore. She seemed older, more mature, the recent events changing her and teaching her things she didn’t know about herself. It was nice to see her more relaxed, taking the time to read and paint rather than just sleep. But he couldn’t help but feel incredibly protective of her, not that he wasn’t already, but he wanted to murder Gordon for making her life even harder, for hurting her even more than she already was.

“No one is going to think any less of you.” He tried to reassure her, watching as she rolled her blue eyes at him. “It just makes this village hate Gordon even more. So if he ever turns up again, he’s got at least a hundred people who want to murder him for the hurt he’s caused.” She nodded slightly, agreeing. “But he won’t be coming back anytime soon considering he’s been charged. So you don’t need to worry about him anymore.” He opened his arms, wanting nothing more than to hold her tightly, happy when she moved to curl up beside her, resting her head on his chest.

Aaron smiled from where he was spying on them by the door, sneaking back downstairs before either of them noticed.

 

As the days passed, Aaron and Robert began seeing improvements in Liv. She was talking to them more, opening up to them, explaining how she felt and why she felt that way. She even started having more food on her plate, the reasoning always being ‘I won’t let Gordon win’. A mind set both boys had developed too, bettering themselves whilst remaining by Liv’s side through all the little bumps in the road.

Then, one morning, Liv came down for breakfast, already up and dressed, explaining how she was going into town later. Alone. She wanted to look at some new sketching pencils, and wanted to get some new jeans because her old ones were too big for her, something that made the boys worry slightly but accepted never the less.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Aaron stressed, terrified of something happening whilst she was out alone, and running away from the problem, rather than coming home and sorting it out. Liv couldn’t blame her brother for being terrified, she knew she’d given him a lot to worry about, but she knew she needed to do this. More than anything she wanted her independence back, and she had to start somewhere.

“If I’m not, I’ll ring you.” She tried her best at reassurance, but her brother was better at it. He walked closer to her, tucking stray stands of hair behind her ears before pulling her into a hug, holding her tightly against his chest before leaving a kiss to her hair and pulling away. That’s when Robert’s hand appeared in front of her face, hold £100 in £10 notes. Liv looked at him like he was insane, never allowing her so much money.

“Take it, buy yourself something nice with it.” He explained with a smile. The boys recognised how much she’d changed by how hesitant she was to take it, asking if it was okay to spend it all in one go, both of them just nodding at her with amused looks. And then she threw her arms around the blonde, who threw his arms around her, kissing her hair like Aaron before pulling away. “Now go.” He teased, smiling at her as she disappeared out the door, shaky breaths escaping their lips and they showed each other the worry they were feeling.

“She’ll be okay, right?” Aaron asked, turning to his husband and wrapping his arms around his waist.

“She’s tough.” Robert replied, pulling his husband in for a kiss. “But we do have the place to ourselves for a few hours.” He teased.

“I like you’re thinking, Mr Sugden.” And just like giggly teenagers, they disappeared upstairs.

 

Liv felt anxious being out alone. She was struggling to think why she pushed herself so far so quickly. Sitting on the bus alone was enough to make her stomach churn, keeping her head down, trying to not get in the way, hating groups of teenagers despite being one herself. It felt foreign. Like she couldn’t remember a time before she was anxious and isolated, wondering where she would find her confidence again, if she found it again.

Stepping off the bus, thanking the driver, she headed straight to the art shop at the end of the high street, one of her favourite places to disappear. As she pushed the door of the shop open, she smiled at the familiar cashier who she often spoke to. She wasn’t expecting her to come over and hug her, and ask her where she had been but she appreciated it never the less. Happy to talk to someone who didn’t know the ins and the outs of the last few months. They chatted before the manager told the girl to get on with serving people, making Liv laugh as she wandered to the back of the shop where the paints were. 

Liv often found herself staring at the paints. She wanted to cry at how expensive they were but she found herself questioning if she needed new jeans. A belt would be cheaper and it would solve the problem she was having in her mind. But she needed new jeans, needed to wear clothes that fitted her and made her feel comfortable, so she settled on the primary colours, telling herself she could mix them if necessary.

It almost hurt when she handed £50 over but she was happy never the less before heading down to Topshop, wanting to buy those expensive jeans Gabby always raved about. With two bags of stuff and £12 left over, she debated what to do. Trying on jeans had been a little soul crushing so she decided against getting something to eat, but she felt like she owed Aaron and Robert for everything so she headed to donut shop to get a few of their favourite treats before getting on the bus home. Staring down at the sugary donuts in her lap, Liv decided against eating one, wanting to be better, to not have a difficult relationship with food, but the amount of calories made her hesitant. 

Jumping off the bus, walking across the road, and opening the front door of the mill, she was met with the familiar scent of her favourite food. Robert was cooking lasagne. Her favourite. She didn’t quite know what happened but she felt herself fade into the person she used to be, remembering the night a little over a year ago, the first night she went without dinner. It was like a trigger. She’d heard Aaron use that word when talking with Chas, and Liv came to the conclusion that she just found hers. Lasagne was a trigger. Her favourite food was a trigger. And she froze. Standing there. Tears escaping her eyes. Not even noticing Aaron walking towards her worriedly, asking what was wrong but all she could think about was not eating. Someone was shaking her, yelling at her, and she wanted nothing more than to snap out of the trance she was in, but the next thing she knew, everything had gone black.

 

As the door of the mill swung open, Robert glanced at Aaron who was sat at the table, the two debating who would ask first. They had decided whilst she was out to make the cliché move of making lasagne. They wanted to make her something nice after what she had decided to do, but the food was forgotten when they realised Liv hadn’t moved from her place by the front door, and that’s when they realised she was crying.

Aaron was up in an instant, walking over to her, glancing down at the bags and a box of donuts that she had dropped on the floor. She was shaking, and she couldn’t seem to hear him, or see him, didn’t notice Robert running over to her, didn’t see the pair crouching in front of her, and couldn’t hear them begging her to explain what was wrong. But the minute her eyes began to roll back, Aaron’s heart could be heard hammering in his chest, catching her before she fell onto the floor, sitting down on the floor as he held her worriedly.

“Robert, what’s going on?” He croaked out worriedly, watching his husband look over his sister’s body trying to see if she was hurt, and finding nothing. The blonde placed his hands on the girl’s cheeks, her skin hot to the touch, retracting his hands immediately. He shook his head before running over and grabbing a cloth and wetting it with water before making his way back over to the two siblings on the hardwood floor.

“She’s burning up.” Robert spluttered out before crouching in front of Liv, dabbing her face with the cold cloth, noticing her eyes flicker, like she was slowly coming round. He couldn’t control how worried he was for his sister-in-law, but he refused to let her see his weakness. “Liv, can you open your eyes for me?” He begged, smiling slightly when she opened them, and looked up at him, she was still vacant from the situation but she could hear him, and see him and that’s all that mattered in that moment. 

“Hey, what happened?” Aaron asked her softly, rubbing his hands up and down her arms for his own comfort and reassurance.

“The smell.” She mumbled out, causing the boys to look at each other with confused facial expressions before turning back to Liv

“Lasagne.” Robert said, the smell of the cooking overpowering the house. “I wanted to cook you your favourite because I’m proud of you.” He explained.

“No.” Liv whispered, confusing the pair even more.

“Liv, what’s going on?” Her brother questioned, watching her move out of his grip, standing up to sit on the couch.

“You cooked lasagne the night I stopped eating.” She explained. Aaron and Robert stood up, looking at one another before turning back to the teen on the couch, it was evident that she was shaken up by the flashback. Aaron picked up her two shopping bags and the box of donuts, going to hand them to her. “They’re for you two, I don’t want one.” She added, taking in their smiles before they both went into worried mode.

“Do you want us to order a takeaway or something?” Robert asked, watching as she shook her head.

“I’ve already eaten.” She spoke, but even someone who didn’t know her could tell she was lying. Aaron just stared at her, arms folded across his chest, not wanting his sister to fall deeper into the hole she was already in.

“I’ll grab us some fish and chips.” He said, before asking her what she wanted. She didn’t know whether to be annoyed that he saw straight through her, or grateful that he saved her from hurting her body even more. After telling him she only wanted chips, she apologised to Robert about the lasagne, before telling them she was going to have a quick shower. But just as she was about to close the bathroom door, Aaron stopped her, pulling her into a hug. “I’m proud of you.” He whispered, before leaving the mill, closing the door behind him.

“We both are.” Robert added from the kitchen, smiling at her, and she smiled back, before shutting the bathroom door behind her, and turning on the shower.

 

Liv had been improving from that day forward and Aaron and Robert felt their hearts overcome with pride, and love. She was eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And she was even talking about going back to college, something they never thought would happen after seeing how bad she had got. She had even joined them to go out for dinner for Paddy’s birthday meal, only ordering sides, but ordering food nevertheless. She had been painting more too, Robert showing how she could sell them, and eventually she had enough money to buy every colour of the expensive paint she liked, something that had left the teen on a high.

And despite the struggles she had experienced when she had to record a statement against Gordon for them to play in court, she got out the other side, not wanting to let the man win. She had even started going to work with Aaron, building up her strength again by smashing up cars, and learning how to run a business with Robert. And with the odd shift from Chas at the pub, Liv felt herself getting back on her feet. She felt like she had a chance to live again, and that she had a family who loved her, and who were proud of her.

And despite the tiny bit of annoyance from Rebecca, Liv found hope in the fact that her name was Seb’s first word. A tiny word from the boy’s mouth is what saved her from falling down again and again. She found faith in not wanting the boy to hurt like she did, and to grow up surrounded by a family who loved him, and wanted him there. She wanted to put him first and treat him with love and respect, and remind him that he would never ever be alone.

Aaron and Robert joked about how they had two kids, how they had a proper little family, and had somehow added a four legged member as well, after learning about how dogs were some of the best company when suffering with mental health. Poppy the Labrador never left Liv’s side, the girl taking the dog for walks over the fields, sitting with one another whilst Liv sketched. And the teen never slept alone, having constant company in the dog beside her. Even Seb had taken a liking, crawling after Poppy whenever he wanted to play, the two becoming best friends as well.

And despite all the heartache Liv had suffered, Aaron and Robert refused to overlook her ever again. Always keeping an eye on her, even when she didn’t even know. And with the two kids and a dog by their side, the Dingle-Sugden’s became a proper little family. They had achieved the dream they’d always desired. And the last year and a half proving more than anything that the most important thing to anyone was their health. And even through every little bump in the road, they all found light at the end of the tunnel, found light within one another.

Aaron, Robert, Liv, Seb, and Poppy found themselves taking on the world, taking on the darkest nights, because at the end of all the pain and all the hurt, the sun would still rise, and a new day would be on the horizon.

“Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Neither is talking about it.”

It’s a disorder. Not a decision.


End file.
